The Trouble with Dilithium Crystals: A Star Trek TOS Parody
by Chris Hugh
Lt. Uhura’s calm, precise voice sounded over the ship’s speakers. "Captain Kirk, Doctor McCoy, Mr. Spock and Ensign Spinkmeyer to the transporter room please. I repeat, Captain Kirk, Doctor McCoy, Mr. Spock and Ensign Spinkmeyer to the transporter room for landing party duty, please."
Ensign Spinkmeyer brushed down his red shirt, put his affairs in order and left his cabin. Four men beamed down to the planet surface.
* * *
Three men beamed back. McCoy, Spock and Captain Kirk met in the captain's cabin. "Gentlemen," he said, "As you know, events on the planet’s surface have placed this ship in terrible danger." He paused and pressed a button on his desk. "How long do we have, Scotty?"
The engineer’s voice came over the speaker. "Cap’n, our Thermo-Hydro-Catalytic Convertetron is badly damaged. If we don’t replace the dilithium crystals within the next 6.5 hours, the ship’s engines are going to—-"
"Explode," Dr. McCoy and Mr. Spock said in unison.
"Well, that’s a relief, Scotty. Since dilithium crystals are vital to our keeping the ship’s engines from exploding, and as we all know how that concerns you, we’ll naturally have spares in reserve."
An uncomfortable silence emanated from the speakers.
"Won't we?" The silence continued.
"Okay, Scotty, what’s the status?" Kirk asked.
"Cap’n, we have barely enough power to get to Planet ZZ Alpha Plural Sphinx," Scotty began.
Mr. Spock interrupted to give details. "Plural Sphinx is the only planet in this sector capable of providing emergency dilithium crystals. However, they demand that a challenge be met before they will donate any crystals, and they only allow a single crew member to beam down. To be given crystals, that crew member must: 1) solve the Hallowed Quadratic Inverse Equatiomatic Riddle of the Ages; 2) Blow out the Applausemeter at the Denarian Drama Queen Showdown; 3) defeat the Multi-pronged Stonebeast of Musclemaria in hand-to-hand combat, and 4) cure Emperor Snidewhiplashming’s athlete’s foot. A crew member who fails is traditionally given a medical procedure that greatly extends his lifetime."
"Well, that’s something of a silver lining," Dr. McCoy said. He and Kirk looked at each other. Kirk turned back to Spock with a quick motion and pressed both his hands flat on the grey table.
Spock continued, "And is then tortured for a century and executed." Mr. Spock swallowed. "Obviously, I am the logical person to make the attempt."
Dr. McCoy stood up and leaned over Mr. Spock. "Like hell you are."
"Gentlemen, gentlemen," Captain Kirk said. Mr. Spock raised one eyebrow. Dr. McCoy grumbled something. Captain Kirk made a vaguely dynamic gesture, swiveled his chair and looked at the two men. He punched the key on his desk again, "How long until we reach Plural Sphinx, engineer?"
"50 minutes, Cap’n."
"Thank you." He terminated the connection and spoke quietly. "I guess I have 50 minutes to make my decision."
* * *
A Romulan warship suddenly opened fire on the Star Ship Enterprice NCC1701 and distracted the crew for the twenty minutes. After the threat had been eliminated, another meeting was called.
"Mr. Spock, your help was instrumental in defeating the Romulans. Your calculation of their Power Vector Usage Analysis was superb, making me think you could handily figure out the Sphinx’s Quadratic Equation thing. Plus, the way you accidentally-on-purpose flipped Dr. McCoy across the bridge gives me confidence that you could win the hand-to-hand combat stuff too. Or at least better than Bones could."
"Thank you, Captain," Spock said. "If it were possible for me to feel human emotions, there’s a 99.97% chance I would feel smug right now." He turned to Dr. McCoy, both of whose nostrils were filled with bloody cotton balls, and smirked. "Correction. One hundred percent."
* * *
The three men were suddenly transported to a land of people who had both the power and the wardrobe of Greek gods. McCoy cured their leader of a infection and as a thank you the Greek gods tortured the men by making Spock sing and laugh and recite bad poetry. Spock nearly went mad, but Dr. McCoy made a rousing speech which convinced the evil gods to let them go. After they returned to the ship, another meeting was called.
"How long do we have, Scotty?" Kirk asked over the intercom.
"Ten minutes, before we reach the planet, sir. Once we get there, the crew member will have only three and half hours to meet the challenge or else the engines--"
Kirk terminated the connection. "Yes, yes, we know." Kirk steepled his fingers and looked intense. "After that little incident, I think we can safely say, Mr. Spock, that any attempt you make to move the Sphinx’s Applause-O-Meter at the Drama Queen contest is likely to either fail miserably or cause you to go insane."
"The evil Greek gods did show some mercy in that they at least didn’t make you sing or recite poetry, Captain." Mr. Spock said.
Dr. McCoy snickered. Mr. Spock raised an eyebrow and the shadow of a smile graced his face.
"Whereas you," Kirk turned and pointed to Dr. McCoy, "need to learn to keep your place. I’m the one who makes the rousing speeches around here!"
"Sorry, Captain. The busty Athena had that hot poker under your chin, so I thought you wouldn’t mind if I made the speech that once."
"At last, we have found something that can prevent the Captain from making a speech," Spock said under his breath.
Captain Kirk gave Spock a hard look while he spoke, "Which makes me think that Bones would win the Drama Queen contest hands down, and obviously he can cure athlete’s foot as well." He paused and looked at the two men. "We haven’t got much time. What are we going to do?"
Mr. Spock said, "I can do the equation and hand-to-hand combat, and, frankly, I have a tube of Tinactin in my pocket. However,” a sneer crept into Mr. Spock’s voice. “I cannot do the drama queen act nearly as well as Dr. McCoy."
McCoy spoke loudly, "That’s right! I can do the drama queen act better than any green-blooded, pointy-eared--"
"Yes, that’s great, save it for the Sphinx, " Kirk said. He looked thoughtful. "Each of you has some, but not all, of what we need. What we really need is a combination of you two. If only there were some way to combine both your spirits. A way to meld both your minds... A Vulcan way to meld both minds…" He looked significantly at Mr. Spock. "Any ideas?"
Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy looked at each other. "Ewww," they said in unison.
"You’re on the same wavelength already!" Kirk clapped his hands together and stood up.
Under Kirk’s direction, Spock and McCoy did a Vulcan mind meld and shared consciousness much the same way that Spock and Nurse Chapel once did, except more disturbing. Using Spock’s body’s superior strength, Spock’s logic, intelligence, combat ability and tube of Tinactin, and McCoy’s drama-queen antics, Spock-McCoy beamed to the planet surface and confronted the challenges in an effort to win the dilithium crystals.
Meanwhile, Lt. Uhura took a credit card and the Shuttlecraft to the planet surface, bought the dilithium crystals, and installed them herself.
She also bought spares. Pin It Now!
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