MKMM Preface

 Mr. Kitten Murder Mystery Preface

The fluffy black cat stared at the computer screen for a long time. Then he began to type.
A parrot, a piano, a fish and dead lawyer in a clown suit at the bottom of the stairs--how did it add up to murder? This is the story behind the story that transfixed the nation, the Reality Murders, which gained their sobriquet not because of existential angst, but because--
 Twitch jumped onto the desk, pushed his nose against the screen, and read very slowly. "You writing sounds a little uptight," he said. "What's a sobriquet?"

Kitten stared at the back of Twitch's head. "It means a nickname and is derived from the French word sot, meaning 'foolish,' and the Italian word bricco, meaning an--"

"--boring--"

"--ass," Mr. Kitten finished.

"Whatever." Twitch stood on his hind legs and stretched, scraping his claws against the top of the monitor. "So what do angst and existential mean?"

Kitten took a deep breath. "The Danish philosopher Kierkegaard is considered the father of modern existential--"

"Boring!"

Kitten spoke in a tight voice. "If you're so interesting, why don't you write it, and I'll just block your view of the screen and ask stupid questions?"

"Okay!"


The cats traded places.
Hey, I'm Twitch! Okay, the most exciting thing happened. There was this guy, and he like fell down the, whoa, what does this button do? Comic sans? Hey, look at this, Kitten. TrebuchetCourier. Are you reading this Mr. Kitten? You should use courier and do it all noir like the Maltese Falcon. Okay, I'm gonna open Internet Explorer and go to icanhascheezburger.com now. Ha, ha. I love that site. Are you reading this? Ouch, hey, stop it. Hey, HEY, HEY!!!


Two hours later, the cats stared at the computer side by side.

"I'm sorry, I bit you," Mr. Kitten finally said.

"S'alright."

"I assume you're sorry you tore my ear."

"Whatever."

"Although, I must say, if you hadn't bled on the human's shoe, we wouldn't have had to go to the vet."

Twitch laughed. "If you hadn't cried like a baby, she wouldn't have come running."

"I was trying to get assistance for your injuries"

"Is that also why you peed in the cat carrier?"

Silence.

"Okay, I'm sorry we fought," Mr. Kitten said. "It's just that my art is important to me. I'm a writer. I want this book to..." Mr. Kitten didn't finish the thought, but Twitch knew what he meant.

"I understand."
Ever since Twitch's picture appeared in the New York Times bestselling book, How to Take Over the Wurld, Mr. Kitten had turned his considerable intellect toward getting on the bestseller list himself. Twitch’s book was a collection of funny cat pictures with captions, taken from the famous website icanhascheezburger.com.  A book about the murders at Gibbous Manor represented Mr. Kitten’s big opportunity, but he was having a hard time getting started. Twitch understood Kitten's desire to earn fame on his own. And, although Kitten was a pampered housecat, he had had his start on the mean streets of East San Jose, and he had a streak of cruelty it was wise to steer clear of. This was definitely not the time for Twitch to mention how handsome he had looked on icanhascheezburger, posed next to a squirrel, lounging in the garden window, framed by a blooming crepe myrtle tree with the autumn sun shining through his black fur. It would not be wise for Twitch to remind Kitten of his triumph. And it certainly wouldn't make sense to suggest to Kitten that he use Twitch's picture for the cover of his book.

He suggested it anyway.

Three hours later, in separate side by side cages at the overnight emergency vet hospital, Twitch and Mr. Kitten decided to let Chris Hugh write the book.

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A writing exercise involving four main characters from the Mr. Kitten Murder Mystery

These are the scenarios: the character is confronted by a mugger, a roach jumps on his plate at a very fancy dinner (like at the White House), he wins $10,000,000 dollars, he witnesses a serious accident, a bum asks him for money

Helen (the wealthy, overweight, beautiful and cat crazy main human)

-----Your money or your life!




Helen is so scared, she's shaking and has stress incontinence. Or maybe it's anger? In either case, she gets that money out right away, but, inexplicably, just stands there, frozen, instead of running away. Afterwards, she's so angry she's spitting fire for the next week. Or month. Then she gets PTSD.



-----Roach



She's embarassed, as if it were a reflection on her. She would like to just ignore it and not draw attention to herself, but since she's already screamed and knocked over her chair....



------Ten million dollars!



She's excited and wants to donate all $4,000,000 (after taxes) to a charity in Africa. When her research convinces her that most charity money ends up in the hands of local warlords, she donates the money to Best Friends, an animal shelter in the American Southwest. She also almost spends another $4,000,000 of her own money buying a condo on the residential luxury cruise ship, the Residensea, but decides against it because they don't allow pets.



------Whoops, serious accident



She hardly knows what to do, can barely dial 911, she's shaking so badly. Then she haltingly walks toward the accident, scared of what she'll see, with a vague idea of rendering aid, but also with the belief that she's pretty useless. Finally arriving at the scene, she discovers a victim bleeding badly and possibly with a broken neck. She staunches the blood with her hands, then wakes up a little and realizes she needs to use something as a bandage. She removes her shirt and uses that as a bandage. By the time bystanders come along and try to move the patient, she's in charge. She countermands that, and directs them to look for other victims and render them aid, being careful not to move them. She lost something undefinable when she was mugged. She regains it through this incident.



-----Bum asks for money



She gives him $5 along with a smile and "good luck"



Steve, her adoring husband and CEO of IDK Gaming

-----Your money or your life!



Steve hands the money over in a friendly manner, chats a bit and walks away. Then he reports it to the police, avoids telling Helen so as not to disturb her, and forgets about it.



-----Roach



He purses his lips in thought and looks at it. It runs off and he forgets about it. Then he gets concerned that the food might be unsanitary (he's concerned for Helen, not himself), but decides not to say anything, so as not to disturb her.



------Ten million dollars!



He's pleased and slightly bemused. He lets Helen decide what to do.



------Whoops, serious accident



He relies on his CERT and SAFE training and functions perfectly. He's calm and in control. The incident is one of the highpoints of his life.



-----Bum asks for money



He gives him $5, but for some reason dislikes the bum more than the mugger.



Twitch, everyone knows Twitch

-----Your money or your life!



It takes Twitch a while to understand the concept. When he does, he laughs, disarms the mugger, and playfully forces him to say and do various humiliating things, such as giving him a piggyback right while neighing like a horse. Eventually Twitch gets bored. As he leaves, he gives the mugger all his money.



-----Roach



Cool! He makes a bit of a spectacle chasing after it, and raises eyebrows when he eats it.



------Ten million dollars!



He keeps forgetting to collect it. Then he forgets he has it.



------Whoops, serious accident



Wow, that looks bad. He watches in fascination until something else draws his interest.



-----Bum asks for money



It takes Twitch a while to understand the concept. When he does, he laughs, disarms the mugger, and playfully forces him to say and do various humiliating things, such as giving him a piggyback right while neighing like a horse. Eventually Twitch gets bored. As he leaves the mugger (in tears, and sprawled on the pavement), he gives him all his money.




 

Mr. Kitten


-----Your money or your life!



Mr. Kitten considers this. If he doesn't give the mugger his money, the mugger will kill him. Mr. Kitten does not wish to give the mugger his money, so the mugger will kill him. Unless he kills the mugger first. Which he does.



-----Roach



He watches impassively until he can't stand it anymore and pounces!



------Ten million dollars!



He invests it using a balanced and fairly conservative strategy.



------Whoops, serious accident



He watches.



-----Bum asks for money



He walks on past.



And a bonus, Blondhilda, the Norse Warrior Goddess

-----Your money or your life!


Blondhilda makes much the same calculation Mr. Kitten does, and takes this as a challenge to mortal combat. It's a good day. She so seldom has the opportunity to blood her sword. Some undefinable tension that she had barely been aware of is released. She really needs to kill more.


----Roach


She flicks it away, just as she does in the halls of Valhalla.



------Ten million dollars!



How nice. Perhaps Stanley will like this trinket.



------Whoops, serious accident



She renders aid to the best of her knowledge and ability. By the time paramedics arrive, the victims are healthy, hale and eager for battle.



-----Bum asks for money



The bum walks away in disgust after failing to convey the concept of begging to a goddess who is constitutionally incapable of ever understanding.

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