Humor: Amazon review for the Chucky doll from the movie "Child's Play"

11 of 19 people found the follow review helpful

**        Not at all what I was expecting, September 29, 1988

By a very disappointed mom

This review is from: "Chucky" Good Guy Talking Doll

Durability: *****       Educational: ****    Fun: *

My son Andy's 6th birthday was coming up and he'd been asking and asking for the Good Guy "Chucky" Talking Doll so I finally got it for him.  I ended up buying it from street person (who I now suspect stole it from the burned-out hulk of a department store where a notorious Voodoo serial killer died) rather than from Amazon, but I'll go ahead and do the review here anyway.

At first Andy loved his Chucky doll--he was so excited! He had the best birthday ever except for the end of the evening when Andy's babysitter threw herself out the window of our apartment and plunged to her death on the pavement twenty stories below. After the police and paramedics left, I gave "Chucky" a 5 star review.

Later, I noticed the talking doll was saying strange things, encouraging Andy to kill people, and bragging that he (the doll) had killed the babysitter, etc., etc. It started to bother me after a while, so I decided to take the batteries out of the doll to make it stop talking, and I was almost going to knock it down to three stars, but you won't believe what I found when I took off the battery door (which requires a small Phillips screwdriver, FYI): I had never put the batteries in! LOL.

Well, I love not having to buy batteries. It's very green and saves money. Plus, most people don't even think about the environmental impact of having to dispose of spent batteries. So that was a plus. But Chucky's demonic urgings were inappropriate, so I still took one star off of my 5-star review. (Also, there were quite a few murders going on and I suspected the doll was responsible, so that was another reason.)

Later, though, I became convinced that Andy was the murderer. I packed my little guy up and marched him straight to the mental hospital, but the little rascal ran off and the next day I found him--with another body! That's when I realized I'd been very unfair and I bumped Chucky back up to 5 stars.

Anyway, sorry this review is getting so long. It ends up I was wrong about everything. Chucky the doll was animated by the soul of that Voodoo serial killer I mentioned toward the beginning of this review. He tried to demonically possess Andy, killed a bunch of people and ended up being just a very poor purchase.

I should mention, too, that the quality of construction on the Chucky doll is poor--inside its torso is, of all things, a beating human heart. Very unsanitary, although I only noticed it as he was chasing after me with a kitchen knife, so that wasn't my top concern at the time, but looking back now, yuck.

Eventually, we shot the doll through the heart to kill it. Chucky's Voodoo friend was able to let us know about this method of killing it right before he died from the mortal wounds Chucky had inflicted on him after a prolonged torture session. Lucky for me, too, since otherwise I probably would have tried to kill Chucky by putting in the freezer for a few minutes to stun him before plunging his head in boiling water the way I do for lobsters. LOL.

So now my son is scarred for life. I've got a ton of funerals to go to, not to mention the expense of sending flowers since I feel partially responsible, and I owe my son a replacement birthday gift since this one is now gut shot, in pieces, and scattered around the apartment.

On the plus side, I see that Chucky has started to reanimate himself, so, despite all his problems, I have to give him 5 stars on Durability. We certainly learned a lot, so 4 stars for Educational Value, but as far as Fun, if I could give zero stars, I would.

Overall, I really wish I'd bought this doll from Amazon. I know it seems like a lot has happened, but I'd actually still be within the 30-day return period and I would not hesitate to return it for a refund. Pin It Now!

The Dragon with the Girl Tattoo

My little parody of Stieg Larsson's opus has now been published on the rather excellent site, Bewildering Stories. Check it out and see if it lives up to its name.

If you hated The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, you'll enjoy this parody. Here's an excerpt from a scene when Lizbreath Salamander's evil conservator makes his first and last mistake.

She said, “That's bad touching,” and he stopped. Then she tortured him, tattooed him, gutted him and made balloon animals out of his large intestines.

Note the wishfulment coupled with the over-the-top pointless violence. That, my friends, is literature. Click here to read on.

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Acceptance: "Heatwave" is going to be in Medusa's Laugh's Book of Impractical Cats

I'm so excited. The Book of Impractical Cats is going to be a handmade, limited edition book of cat stories. Life just doesn't get any better than that. I'm going to get some contributer copies, but I'll probably by more as Chrismas Gifts. I can't wait to read the other stories.

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Warrior Cat and the Yoohooo Spam Filter

Warrior Cat and the Yoohooo Spam Filter
"That is unjust!" the Warrior cat shouted, leaping up and raising his sword high. The light from the Tiffany chandelier gleamed along its edge.  

"Yeah," Chris Hugh said. "Life is so unfair to me. All my mail is getting caught in people's spam folders and no one is seeing it."
Warrior Cat jumped down from Chris' round waterbed with its silk sheets and fur bedspread and landed on the custom floor inlaid with the rarest woods from endangered rain forests. "Who is responsible for this enormity?"
Chris shrugged, swallowing a mouthful of foie gras and tossing the rest in a wastebasket made from an elephant's leg. "I think it's Yahoo. It seems like they've flagged my email address."
"I will right this wrong!" Warrior Cat cried. "I will make them unhand your email!" And with that, the cat disappeared, magically travelling along Chris' super-premium T-1 modem link and traversing the electronic pathways between Chris' mansion and Yahoo's headquarters.
He emerged in a huge server room amid row upon row of huge computers. He logged into a terminal and nosed around.
"Hmm," he said, examining the list of spam addresses. "Poor Chris was blacklisted simply for sending eight million helpful messages to potential customers last week. That's wrong! Chris is only earning a living." He clicked the mouse down and started erasing the address, but
 Author_of_Really_Grate_Riting_I_Spell_Good_Too @ yoohooo

was very long and it was hard to concentrate his feline attention on clicking the delete key so many times. He got it down to Author @ yoohooo  then he sat on the keyboard and groomed himself, accidentally changing Author to Arthur and  somehow adding a wildcard key that insured that every address containing that name would be blocked as spam. Then he chased a stray rubber band around the server room before going home.
The next day, 297 Arthurs around the country were confused when their friends stopped returning their messages.  Fifteen Arthurs ate lunch alone because their friends didn't get their emails inviting them to lunch. Two Arthurs in New York and three in California did not get to interview for jobs they'd been pursuing because five HR people never received replies from them.  And one wife in Indiana, already suffering the difficult delivery of her first child, was consumed by worry because her husband in Afghanistan had suddenly stopped writing to her.
On the bright side, each one of them received a special offer to buy Viagra, earn a college degree, meet hot chicks, and buy Chris' book, Diseased Imaginings.
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