Short story parody: The Dragon with the Girl Tattoo

The Dragon with the Girl Tattoo


"Many years ago," the Dragon said. "My niece Harriet disappeared. I believe she was the victim of a brutal rape-murder described in loving and lingering detail."


"Mmm, how nice," Mikvail Kvistkvist replied, distracted by thoughts about whom he was going to hook up with next and where he was going to get his next fix of sandwiches and coffee.

"My poor, poor niece," the Dragon continued, puffing out a sad puff of smoke. "She was so artistic."

"Did you say autistic?" Mikvail perked up. "Autism is really hot right now. Did you know that every single autistic person is high functioning, able to earn a big salary and is a genius with an instinctive knowledge of high technology?"
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Short Story: Blondhilda and the Holiday That Dare Not Speak Its Name

This is a real licensed Sanrio product
Since Blondhilda and Hello Sailor were new to American society, Stanley Chester Brown decided to spend Saturday taking them to America's cultural hub, the place where people of all ages gather, the private commercial area that has taken over the role of the town square as a place where people congregate, a place of such importance that the Supreme Court of the United States has recognized that the property rights of its owners do not outweigh the right of political activists to exercise their free speech there.

They went to the mall.
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The Game is Afoot: a 100-word story



Die deutsche Version ist weiter unten
The Game is Afoot

          Cat: Too slow, human. Check, but not checkmate. I evade the broom she gracelessly sweeps under the bed, shoot between her legs and scuttle into her office. Fewer places to hide, but speed and cunning will win. No! She opens a plastic bag--the sound is an anathema. She expects me to flee to the bathroom where she will follow me, shut the door, wrap me in a towel and abduct me. Guess again, human! I jump to the top of a cabinet. The game continues.

          Human: I just want to take you to the vet for your annual checkup.



And now, one more time, in German.


Das Spiel ist im Gange
          Katze: zu langsam, Mensch.  Im Schach, aber nicht Schachmatt.  Ich weiche dem Besen aus, mit dem sie unelegant unter dem Bett kehrt.  Ich husche zwischen ihren Beinen hindurch und schleiche in ihr Büro.  Weniger Platz zum Verstecken, aber Geschwindigkeit und Gerissenheit werden siegen. Nein!  Sie öffnet eine Plastiktüte -- das Geräusch ist ein Gräuel.  Sie erwartet, daß ich ins Badezimmer fliehen werde, wohin sie mich dann verfolgt, und dann die Tür schließt, mich in ein Tuch wickelt und verschleppt. Falsch gedacht, Mensch!  Ich springe auf den Wandschrank.  Das Spielt fährt fort.
          Mensch: Ich will dich doch nur zum Tierarzt für die jährliche Untersuchung bringen.

Like the German? Click here to see the lyrics to Eisbrecher's new album, The Hoelle Muss Warten. Translated by yours truly with the kind permission of Eisbrecher's management.

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Drabble: Fighting for Love

Fighting for Love

It was Snowbubbles who drew first blood, his head filled with the sweet scent and sensuous cries of Miss Fluffy, the feline queen of the neighborhood, now in heat. Graymalkin, his wounded ear unheeded, arched his back and spat, but he did not yield. This was a fight, to death if need be, to decide who would take Miss Fluffykins as his bride. Honor and valor would decide.

Hissing, Graymalkin advanced. The rivals waded into battle again, the outside world forgotten, warriors’ minds focused on each other and on the sacred goal. They fought on.

Meanwhile Twitch mated with Fluffy. Pin It Now!

Chapter 12: Helen refuses to talk to police, gets a new kitten

If you're ever wondered how a book gets written, here is your chance to watch it happen. I'm a published fiction and non-fiction writer, but this is my first novel. I'm writing it right here, on the the web. This is the first draft, I expect there will be three drafts before it's ready for submission. It is a humorous, absurdist cozy mystery narrated by a cat. It's the Mr. Kitten Murder Mystery.



Chapter 11





The animal which the Egyptians worshipped as divine, which the Romans enerated as a symbol of liberty... has displayed to all ages two closely blended characteristics - courage and self-respect. - Saki.

"Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. " - Mark Twain
 



A police investigator came to the house and told the family that the lawyer did not die from the fall, that he was killed by poison mixed with chocolate. He asked to search the house for chocolate and was refused. Helen said that she didn't keep any in the house.



"We'd like to search the house anyway, ma'am. You never know."



"The only way you'll search this house is if you have a warrant," Helen replied.



The officer had to admit he didn't have a warrant. The requirement of a warrant and the prohibition against "general warrants" (warrants to come in and search for just any old thing) is a much maligned requirement of a free society. The officer seemed to hate it with a passion. He must have been either a Democrat or a Republican.

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Chapter 11 - Mr. Kitten is Vindicated

If you're ever wondered how a book gets written, here is your chance to watch it happen. I'm a published fiction and non-fiction writer, but this is my first novel. I'm writing it right here, on the the web. This is the first draft, I expect there will be three drafts before it's ready for submission. It is a humorous, absurdist cozy mystery narrated by a cat. It's the Mr. Kitten Murder Mystery



Chapter 11 - Kitten is vindicated


The next day dawned bright and cool. The sun shone over the field of grass outside the morning room, melting the frozen dew. So close to one of the major business regions in the world, deer were quietly munching Helen's winter flowers.

Kathlee had sandwiches and soda pop for breakfast with the family. That's because she didn't wake up and come downstairs until noon. She and Mad became friendly, inevitably.

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Chapter 10 - Kathlee arrives, the butler comes under suspicion

If you're ever wondered how a book gets written, here is your chance to watch it happen. I'm a published fiction and non-fiction writer, but this is my first novel. I'm writing it right here, on the the web. This is the first draft, I expect there will be three drafts before it's ready for submission. It is a humorous, absurdist cozy mystery narrated by a cat. It's the Mr. Kitten Murder Mystery



Chapter 10 - Kathlee arrives, Butler comes under suspicion



Kathlee and the manager arrived in the library. Butler was still acting nervous and suspicious.

Brooks had to ask permission for the family for her to stay. He had already sought and received it from Peacock (who tended to like to go along, since they lied and said Helen was okay with it and so he agreed), Margaret (who wanted to get the spotlight off her daughter). They thought they only needed two because if it were a tie, the trust administrator would be the tiebreaker and he was in their hands since he loved to visit because he loved the fame and he thought he was rainmaking. (Now he's dead. Earlier Elliot and Brooks were talking about some sort of plans regarding the lawyer and how they were damaged now that he was dead. It made them suspicious but now that's cleared up.) They assumed Mad and Helen would oppose, but are surprised because Mad is so star struck she agrees and Helen doesn't seem to care about anything anymore tonight.


I conducted my own investigation, sniffing the body, giving it a, shall we say, CAT scan. Elliot was following me around; it seemed that for once lighting conditions were favorable for filming me. Elliot tried to get a cop into the frame since he was wearing a black uniform, it would help balance the composition as well as lend a sense of urgency.

The cop ignored him and tried to catch me or chase me away from the crime scene. Of course, he was not fast enough, but he did prevent me from sniffing the deceased's face and mouth. [I want to remind readers of the chocolate.]

There was a conversation going on in the background. The other lawyer had come back. Now he wanted the exact cause of death. He was grilling the guys with the coroner van, delaying them, although they were not the people who would determine the cause of death. He wanted to know if they were sure that it was death from a fall. They pointed out sarcastically that he'd fallen down the stairs and his head was turned all the way around, exorcist style. The lawyer wanted to know if something else -- like cardiovascular disease, osteoporosis or even poisoning-- might have made him fall and thus contributed to his death. His firm had insured the lawyer and there was a double indemnity clause. That was the reason he wanted to know. [Blandings can later bloviate on the Tylenol murder case and its double indemnity clause.]


The paramedics were milling. There was nothing for them to do except wait for orders to leave. They were standing around in the hallway outside the library, talking softly among themselves. Madeleine started hyperventilating and they ignored her. Because they were there for a dead body, they didn't notice an emergency happening right in front of them. Blandings was standing around, seemingly lost in thought. Strange, he was usually so solicitous of the family. Under normal circumstances, he would have been telling us various bits of trivia about hyperventilation. He did other things to make himself suspicious. The lawyer had always been scornful to him, ever since the reality show filming began. I wonder how deep the cut went, the butler's movements were unaccounted for when the lawyer broke his neck. Actually, anyone could have pushed him down the stairs.

[I might change hyperventilation to fainting]

I meowed to try to get paramedics' attention. They walked into the library as if to help and I hoped onto the taboret table next to Madeleine. Then they continued to ignore her and started trying to pet me. Captain Peacock came in and finally got them to do something for Mad.
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