Showing posts with label fiction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fiction. Show all posts
The story of Pepper, the psycho cat that acts like a crazy ex girlfriend
First I wasn't. Then I was.
In the beginning it was dark, so dark. I don't remember anything before the dark. Then a light came, a red glow, light filtered through blood. Motion, softness warmth. Then suddenly I was cold and still, lying on something hard, a bright light burning into my closed eyes, air filling my chest. Fear but also freedom. I drank. I slept. I returned to the void from which I'd come. And then I woke up. Over and over.
Now I stalk the gardens of The Lake. I hunt spiders and moths. The boy gives me food. He shares his sardines. I love him. His mother tells him not to touch me, but he does. He pets me. I love him. I love him. Pet me. Pet me! Pet me, never stop. He stops. I hate him. I scratch him. He bleeds. I love him. Why don't you pet me anymore? Why did you change my name? I like the name Pepper.
They stop giving me food. They give me water instead. I don't need water. Every house's backyard touches the lake. That's why they call this housing development The Lake. I like my water in a bowl, please, Mother. Not thrown. Why did they change my name? Is 'Stupid' a nickname?
I wish the boy would feed me. I wish the boy would pet me, but when I ask to be petted he plays with me instead. I don't like to play football. I don't like to be the ball.
I'm hungry.
I'm sweet.
I meow through the window
every time they eat.
They give in. The mother says my new name is Garbage Disposal.
Now I sit on my favorite rock and look out onto the lake. The wind makes the water ripple and the sun shines on the ripples and makes a blurry haze.
I am happy, and that is good.
They don't pet me anymore, and that is bad.
I would be nice to pet now.
Because I am so fat. Pin It Now!
The Cat Stroller Cometh
The Cat Stroller Cometh
Mr. Kitten made a disgusted sound and pointedly ruffled the bedsheets as if he were burying the human lying in them.
Twitch yawn looked around. "Dude, what's going on?"
"I am sending a message regarding our human’s laziness. She has been lying in bed with her iPad with Safari open to an Amazon page with cat strollers. For the last 16 hours."
"Hmm." Twitch sniffed the human's face and patted her eyelid."To be fair, she's been asleep for the last 14."
Mr. Kitten arched his back. "You mean she hasn't been looking at cat strollers all this time?" He narrowed his eyes at the sleeping human. "My message to her would be more pointed indeed were I not declawed."
"Yeah, well. Either way I don't think your message is getting through. She’s asleep like a rock." Twitch flopped back down and got comfortable. "For a while I thought she was dead. Can you snore and be dead at the same time?"
"If anyone could, Chris Hugh could," Kitten huffed.
"I woke her up a few times just to be sure she was okay. I'm kind of a hero that way. Plus I got myself some snuggles, cuddles and scritchins...So, what's your problem with sleeping and being lazy? You're a cat. Cat pride, remember? You need pride and I'm not lion. Get it? Lion, lyin'?"
Mr. Kitten closed his eyes. "Puns are the lowest form of humor."
 |
| They see me strollin'... |
Kitten sighed and snuggled down next to the sleeping human."Oh, Twitch. It's just that I'm so excited about her taking us out for a walk in a new cat stroller. I wish she would hurry up and order it."
Twitch looked at him and nodded slowly. "Oh yeah. I'm excited about that too," he said, wondering at his friend's sudden love of the great outdoors. He snickered thinking about the time Kitten got locked outside. His fur was so puffed up with fear that the only way Chris recognized him was through the process of elimination, him being the only black, pissed-off cat with yellow eyes snarling outside the window that morning.
The two cats settled down and went to sleep dreaming about being pushed around like kings in a luxurious new hundred-dollar stroller.
* * *
48 hours later, the three of them arrived home from their very first walk.
And Chris Hugh spent an hour cleaning cat pee out of the stroller.
Humor: Amazon review for the Chucky doll from the movie "Child's Play"
11 of 19 people found the follow review helpful
** Not at all what I was expecting, September 29, 1988
By a very disappointed mom
This review is from: "Chucky" Good Guy Talking Doll
Durability: ***** Educational: **** Fun: *
My son Andy's 6th birthday was coming up and he'd been asking and asking for the Good Guy "Chucky" Talking Doll so I finally got it for him. I ended up buying it from street person (who I now suspect stole it from the burned-out hulk of a department store where a notorious Voodoo serial killer died) rather than from Amazon, but I'll go ahead and do the review here anyway.
At first Andy loved his Chucky doll--he was so excited! He had the best birthday ever except for the end of the evening when Andy's babysitter threw herself out the window of our apartment and plunged to her death on the pavement twenty stories below. After the police and paramedics left, I gave "Chucky" a 5 star review.
Later, I noticed the talking doll was saying strange things, encouraging Andy to kill people, and bragging that he (the doll) had killed the babysitter, etc., etc. It started to bother me after a while, so I decided to take the batteries out of the doll to make it stop talking, and I was almost going to knock it down to three stars, but you won't believe what I found when I took off the battery door (which requires a small Phillips screwdriver, FYI): I had never put the batteries in! LOL.
Well, I love not having to buy batteries. It's very green and saves money. Plus, most people don't even think about the environmental impact of having to dispose of spent batteries. So that was a plus. But Chucky's demonic urgings were inappropriate, so I still took one star off of my 5-star review. (Also, there were quite a few murders going on and I suspected the doll was responsible, so that was another reason.)
Later, though, I became convinced that Andy was the murderer. I packed my little guy up and marched him straight to the mental hospital, but the little rascal ran off and the next day I found him--with another body! That's when I realized I'd been very unfair and I bumped Chucky back up to 5 stars.
Anyway, sorry this review is getting so long. It ends up I was wrong about everything. Chucky the doll was animated by the soul of that Voodoo serial killer I mentioned toward the beginning of this review. He tried to demonically possess Andy, killed a bunch of people and ended up being just a very poor purchase.
I should mention, too, that the quality of construction on the Chucky doll is poor--inside its torso is, of all things, a beating human heart. Very unsanitary, although I only noticed it as he was chasing after me with a kitchen knife, so that wasn't my top concern at the time, but looking back now, yuck.
Eventually, we shot the doll through the heart to kill it. Chucky's Voodoo friend was able to let us know about this method of killing it right before he died from the mortal wounds Chucky had inflicted on him after a prolonged torture session. Lucky for me, too, since otherwise I probably would have tried to kill Chucky by putting in the freezer for a few minutes to stun him before plunging his head in boiling water the way I do for lobsters. LOL.
So now my son is scarred for life. I've got a ton of funerals to go to, not to mention the expense of sending flowers since I feel partially responsible, and I owe my son a replacement birthday gift since this one is now gut shot, in pieces, and scattered around the apartment.
On the plus side, I see that Chucky has started to reanimate himself, so, despite all his problems, I have to give him 5 stars on Durability. We certainly learned a lot, so 4 stars for Educational Value, but as far as Fun, if I could give zero stars, I would.
Overall, I really wish I'd bought this doll from Amazon. I know it seems like a lot has happened, but I'd actually still be within the 30-day return period and I would not hesitate to return it for a refund. Pin It Now!
** Not at all what I was expecting, September 29, 1988
By a very disappointed mom
This review is from: "Chucky" Good Guy Talking Doll
Durability: ***** Educational: **** Fun: *
My son Andy's 6th birthday was coming up and he'd been asking and asking for the Good Guy "Chucky" Talking Doll so I finally got it for him. I ended up buying it from street person (who I now suspect stole it from the burned-out hulk of a department store where a notorious Voodoo serial killer died) rather than from Amazon, but I'll go ahead and do the review here anyway.
At first Andy loved his Chucky doll--he was so excited! He had the best birthday ever except for the end of the evening when Andy's babysitter threw herself out the window of our apartment and plunged to her death on the pavement twenty stories below. After the police and paramedics left, I gave "Chucky" a 5 star review.
Later, I noticed the talking doll was saying strange things, encouraging Andy to kill people, and bragging that he (the doll) had killed the babysitter, etc., etc. It started to bother me after a while, so I decided to take the batteries out of the doll to make it stop talking, and I was almost going to knock it down to three stars, but you won't believe what I found when I took off the battery door (which requires a small Phillips screwdriver, FYI): I had never put the batteries in! LOL.
Well, I love not having to buy batteries. It's very green and saves money. Plus, most people don't even think about the environmental impact of having to dispose of spent batteries. So that was a plus. But Chucky's demonic urgings were inappropriate, so I still took one star off of my 5-star review. (Also, there were quite a few murders going on and I suspected the doll was responsible, so that was another reason.)
Later, though, I became convinced that Andy was the murderer. I packed my little guy up and marched him straight to the mental hospital, but the little rascal ran off and the next day I found him--with another body! That's when I realized I'd been very unfair and I bumped Chucky back up to 5 stars.
Anyway, sorry this review is getting so long. It ends up I was wrong about everything. Chucky the doll was animated by the soul of that Voodoo serial killer I mentioned toward the beginning of this review. He tried to demonically possess Andy, killed a bunch of people and ended up being just a very poor purchase.
I should mention, too, that the quality of construction on the Chucky doll is poor--inside its torso is, of all things, a beating human heart. Very unsanitary, although I only noticed it as he was chasing after me with a kitchen knife, so that wasn't my top concern at the time, but looking back now, yuck.
Eventually, we shot the doll through the heart to kill it. Chucky's Voodoo friend was able to let us know about this method of killing it right before he died from the mortal wounds Chucky had inflicted on him after a prolonged torture session. Lucky for me, too, since otherwise I probably would have tried to kill Chucky by putting in the freezer for a few minutes to stun him before plunging his head in boiling water the way I do for lobsters. LOL.
So now my son is scarred for life. I've got a ton of funerals to go to, not to mention the expense of sending flowers since I feel partially responsible, and I owe my son a replacement birthday gift since this one is now gut shot, in pieces, and scattered around the apartment.
On the plus side, I see that Chucky has started to reanimate himself, so, despite all his problems, I have to give him 5 stars on Durability. We certainly learned a lot, so 4 stars for Educational Value, but as far as Fun, if I could give zero stars, I would.
Overall, I really wish I'd bought this doll from Amazon. I know it seems like a lot has happened, but I'd actually still be within the 30-day return period and I would not hesitate to return it for a refund. Pin It Now!
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